April 16, 2013

A Long Time In Coming...

Recently, I've been thinking very little of my SSA. Sometimes, I go days without thinking about it. As a result, it doesn't feel like the extremely heavy thing that it once was.


Also, in quite possibly an unrelated subject, I had a really interesting experience at Church last Sunday. I was visiting a friends' family ward in Utah. Being a new married couple ward, of something like that, there were a lot of couples and strollers. During Sacrament Meeting, we sat behind a couple with their 3 year old son in between them. I remember that at first, the boy was being very funny and that's all he was to me, just somebody's funny kid. But the more I watched him being silly, the more a feeling kept coming up in my chest.


Now, when I talk to most people, I usually tell them that I don't want marriage or kids or any of that nonsense. It saves times and it saves me having to confront the fact that even if I did want those things, they aren't available at this exact moment. But the more I saw this boy, the more I realized that what I wanted, more than anything in the world, was a son. A little boy who was part me and part my wife, who, when people looked at him, they would say, "He looks just like you!"


Yeah, I want kids... But never more than that moment had I known how much I wanted them. So, overwhelmed with the feeling that I had been trying to repress all these years, I began to cry. It was too much! I now knew that I wanted children and yet I couldn’t have them! The friends I came with understood at once and tried to console me, but I was inconsolable. So to distract myself, I opened my phone thinking that I would play a game or something. But for some reason, the Scripture Mastery app I have. Opening it, I went to the first one that my blurry eyes could locate. This is what I read:


“And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”


And those cold tears which I had been shedding out of ache suddenly turned warm. Suddenly the Spirit told me that while I may not be in a place where such a thing is obtainable currently, it is, nevertheless, obtainable.