Top 5 Bad List: Number Five, Mehwidge, The Final Fwontier...

Mehwidge….

Like the movie says, “Mehwidge is what bweengs us together today.” And they weren’t kidding! When you think about it, marriage is kind of the pinnacle of accomplishments of life, or at least one of them. You can set your goal to get that speedy European car, or that three story mansion in Malibu, or the best paying job, or even all of the money in the world. And, on your own, you could very well obtain any or all of those things. But there is one thing you can’t obtain on your own: marriage. Nope. Can’t do it. Marriage needs two people. You can be the hottest of hotties, or the smartest of smarties, but it’s all for nothing if that other person doesn’t feel mutually.

That’s right! We’re talking about love, the dreaded ‘L’ word. You can love your shoes, your favorite books, and your own good looks, but none of those things can love you back. And man was not meant to be alone on this world. We’ve been engineered to need companionship, regardless of how independent or reclusive you might think you are. No one is immune to wanting someone with whom they can share their lives with. Including me…

There are times when I can’t think of anything else but my desire to have someone who I can share everything with. It’s more than a longing for friendship. I’ve had friendship all my life. And it’s more than sex. I’ve… uhh… had more than my share of that, too. It’s being half of a whole. And it is something I don’t confess to desiring often because I just don’t think that I’ll ever reach that goal in this lifetime. I mean, I could do it, but even the thought of it sends me into a spiral of “what if” questions. Like, “What if I do get married and I’m still attracted to men? How is that being an honest, faithful husband?”

One of the biggest fears I have goes a little like this. I decided to go ahead and get married. I find an amazing woman who I love and who loves me. She understands my situation and together we feel like this is just one of many challenges that we’ll face but if we work on it together, it’ll be okay. So, we get engaged. Unlike some couple, we would plan out the wedding together, seeing as I have a long history with fashion sense and interior design, and together we’d get everything all mapped out. She picks her bride’s maids. I pick my groom’s men. And, like any girl at the age of 16 can tell you, she has already known who her bride’s maids would be years ago. To be honest, I already know who my groom’s men would be as well. And we get the show on the road. Somehow our nerves last out until the big day when we’re making our vows. At my right side is this beautiful woman that God has blessed me with… but, to my left is a row of guys who I’m tragically attracted to. Sure, I’m attracted to my fiancé’s personality and her spirit. But physically, I’m attracted to these guys who are primed and groomed to perfection (or at least they had better be).
Do you see the potential problem here?

And what’s worse is that I have a mother who gently mentions having more grandchildren to me, a best friend who I love with all of my heart, and the ever-present weight of Mormon Culture. All of whom are breathing down my neck, either deliberately or not.

*sigh*

Yes, mehwidge is what brought me here. But why does it seem to be the more unobtainable goal for me?

Top 5 Good List: Number Four, I Have Hope...

Hope is an amazing thing. Hope opens doors, brings light into darkness, and beckons you onward. Hope overcomes hardships, stands firm in the face of opposition, and carries you through the tough times. Sometimes hope is a tricky boat to steer, but at least you can know that you’re going to reach your destination in safety so long as you keep trying.

I was going to talk more about this topic, but I'm 'hoping' this picture says it all.

Top 5 Bad List: Number Four, Chasity for Life? Seriously?

Whenever I hear the word chastity, my mind take me back to the first time I saw “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” A wonderful movie, if I do say so myself. In this rendition of Robin Hood, Maid Marian is not simply a virtuous woman, but she wear a literal chastity belt made out of, what looks to be, iron.

Keeping with that mental image, whenever I’ve heard ‘chastity’ since (whether during the missionary discussions or in Elder’s Quorum) I always envision an actual chastity belt. Well, the Church is big on chastity, and so I often find myself giggling inwardly.

Nevertheless, I’m facing a difficult challenge. You see, in my present condition, I don’t think I’m quite ready to jump into a marriage. And since the Church frowns on sex prior to getting hitched, I’m kind of looking at a sad option. Chastity has never been my strong suit to begin with, but chastity for life sounds slightly reminiscent of my own personal hell.

Top 5 Good List: Number Three, I'm In Tune With My Feelings...

I’ve heard it said that men have PMS, just as much as any girl does, and different only in a few minor details. While I’m not about to speak for all men, I can vouch that I definitely have my moodier moments of the months. And sometimes it’s two or three times a month! I don’t know what it is. I wake up, same as any day, but then the hot water runs out too soon, I can’t find the perfect outfit to wear, my cereal gets soggy too quickly… and somewhere along the way, my emotional side bubbles up to the surface and that’s all she wrote.

Why on earth is this in the Top 5 Good List? Because I said so, that’s why. Well, that and the fact that it means that I’m real with myself. I’m not trying to say that straight guys don’t bestow that kind of genuine emotional behavior upon everyone else. No, I wouldn’t try to say anything like that at all. *ahem*

Let’s put it this way, I’ve had this conversation more than once with straight LDS guys. “I don’t bare my testimony.” And upon me asking why, they say something to the effect of, “Because I don’t want to feel the Spirit. If I feel the Spirit, I might cry and I don’t want that.”

Red flag! Okay, so you’re so much of a man that you can’t cry? And because you can’t cry, you deny yourself of the Spirit? Tsk tsk, my straight brothers. But I can’t say that I don’t understand them. Shoot, I cry watching Bambi. I should make a bunch of straight guys watch Bambi with me and secretly video tape it. Would that be bad of me? Hehe! I could call it a science project.

No, but seriously. Emotions are meant to be shared. We’re not robots, though sometimes straight guys are a little void of range to their voice, movement of their limbs, spring in their step, etc. Loosen up, guys! Cry a little! You’re not the bloody tin man. You won’t rust! Promise!

PS, I've realized that some of the pictures aren't always easy to see. But, if you click on them, that should help.

Top 5 Bad List: Number Three, I Can't Always Be 100% Me...

There are times when I’m at a party, or a dance, or even just talking to someone, and I realize that I’m holding back. This might be debatable, but I’d like to think that I am a pretty out going, fun loving, energetic guy. But even so, I find myself holding back. Why? I’m afraid of being stereotyped and criticized simply because what I’m doing seems gay. I guess what I’m really admitting here is the fact that I’m assuming that I’ll be criticized. So, before they even have the opportunity to make fun of me, I withdraw. In the military, they call it a preemptive strike. In the Church, we call it judging.

Ouch! But it’s true, isn’t it? And what really ironic is that the whole reason I’m being so prejudice is to avoid being judged. Hey, I never said it was a perfect system I’ve developed! I’m just going off of past experiences.

Regardless, I’m not exactly showing people “the real me” 100% of the time. For example, I’m not reserved, but I was recently accused of it. It makes me sad because I’d love to joke and laugh and act exactly how I want to, and just tell all those homophobes to shove it. But I don’t. Instead, I just bend myself to their liking.

But sometimes I forget to bend. Sometimes I let my guard down, and let me tell you… it gets ugly. A perfect example of this happened just the other night. Some guy asked a group of us what our favorite musical was. To be perfectly honest, I think he was only asking this one girl because he was interested in her or something. But not to be rude, he asked his question to the group as a whole. That girl said, “Singing in the Rain.” The boy next to her, bless his soul, asked, “Is “Tangled” considered a musical?” I let it slide. And then everyone looked at me.

“What’s your favorite musical, Michael?”

“Ummm, I’m not sure, actually. “The Last Five Years” is pretty good, though a wee bit depressing. The 2008 rendition of “Chess” with Josh Groban and Idina Menzell is totally awesome! But then I also love “Into the Woods.” It’s a classic! I don’t know. They’re all so good, I couldn’t possibly pick only one.”

It was about that time I actually looked at everyone’s bewildered expressions. “Wow, Mikey,” one person said. “Those are all a little too deep for me.”

Ugh! I hadn’t even told them all of the crucial reason WHY I thought each of those musical were so stinking awesome! And I thought, “Oh freak! My gay is showing again!”

Top 5 Good List: Number Two, Women Don't Make Me Nervous...

Straight guys are a hot mess, let me tell you! They might have the whole procreation thing down pat, but how they manage to get that far is beyond me. I’m not even going to get into topics like table manners. Nope, we’re skipping right along to the fact that they don’t know how to talk to women to save their lives! I mean, it’s slightly depressing to watch, but I can’t seem to look away, like a bad car accident or when professional ice skaters fall on their tushies. It’s just captivating!

First off, their sights are all off. They’re already thinking of relationships before they even know the girl’s name! And, depending on how much Mormon Culture they subscribe to, they’ve already rehearsed future proposal lines. Calm down, my straight friends! How about you get to be her friend first? You know? Get to know the girl and THEN worry about the size of her ring finger.

I count myself as lucky in this department. For the most part, I don’t get nervous around women. It might be due to the fact that I’m not interested in dating and therefore don’t have to worry about getting rejected. See! Sometimes it pays to be immune to the tempting beauty of women and their ensnaring charms.

Top 5 Bad List: Number Two, Unkind Remarks...

There have been times, not often thank goodness, when people I have been hanging out with make fun of gay people. If I was even slightly concerned with saving what little reputation I have left with you people, I’d tell you that I rebuked those people, I stood up for what was right, and I enlightened them about the worth of every soul in the eyes of Heavenly Father. But that just wouldn’t be the truth. No, I didn’t join in, but to my shame, I just folded my arms, bit my lip, and tried to look as indifferent as I could. (It never worked.)