Wisdom In Thy Youth, Part Two...

The second conversation I had was with a good friend in Northern California, Joy. We were originally talking about employment difficulties, and when she brought the gospel into it, I didn’t immediately see the parallel. Hopefully you’re brighter than I am.

She said, “A while ago, I had an epiphany that changed my life. Hear me out. I am a literal daughter of God. I know that. I also know that my spirit once lived with Him. My spirit knew who Heavenly Father was, recognized Him, worshipped Him, and loved Him. My spirit was happy there and it wants to be back there again. Even right now, my spirit longs to return to my Father in Heaven. But my spirit also knows that it has a job to do on earth. There is a purpose to being here and my spirit knows that it has things it needs to accomplish before it can return to live with God again.”

At this point in time, I was thinking, “Yeah. The missionaries taught me that, too. What’s your point?”

Joy continued. “My body, on the other hand, has never been in the presence of Heavenly Father. It doesn’t fully understand its purpose in God’s plans. It doesn’t know of how precious it is, or of its potential. All it knows is instant gratification. It doesn’t matter what form it may present itself in, my body wants to be gratified with little to no work and little to no wait involved.”

By this point in time, my jaw was probably hanging open. My little light bulb had gone off.

“So, my advice to you,” Joy said, “Is to listen to your spirit. It knows what is right. Sometimes it isn’t always so easy to hear our spirit and to know what it wants. That is one reason why we fast. Fasting tells our body, “Yes, you are hungry. You can wait.” You are consciously telling your body that you are listening more closely to the spirit than the desires of your body.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before,” I stammered, probably sounding like an idiot in my amazed state.

She only smiled in the sage-like way that makes Joy who she is.

As we talked more about this, it seemed to me that we had strayed somewhat from the original topic. When I told her so, she grinned at me again. “All things can be related back to the gospel. In fact, whenever I am having a difficulty in life, I try to make a parallel between my problem and the gospel. It’s the quickest way to fix whatever it is that I’m going through because it helps me see the situation for what it is.”

As I have pondered on what Joy taught me, I realized not only that she was right, but that I had been thinking about things wrong this whole time. I tend to want to separate “spiritual” problems with “temporal” difficulties. But really, they’re one in the same. Though they may have different outcomes and carry varying levels of seriousness, all problems in life can be solved through the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It doesn’t matter how insignificant or how dire the situation may seem, if it has even the slightest bit of important to us, it does for our Father in Heaven as well. He is our Father and He cares about our lives, every aspect of them. And as much as we’ll let Him, He will always be there to help us.

Wisdom In Thy Youth, Part One...

I have recently come to the conclusion that I have some incredibly insightful friends. Three separate times this week, I have been dazzled by their wisdom concerning life and the gospel, and I would like to share with you what I have learned. Unfortunately, perspective being what it is, I’m sure my account of the events might differ slightly with the exactness of our conversation. But I will do my best to convey as close to a word-for-word account of what these three people said.

The first instance happened at the beginning of the week. I was having a conversation with a recently married couple, Jake and Faye. We got on the topic of when I first told them I had same-gender attraction. They were both interesting stories but the case that stood out to me most was Faye’s reaction. At first, she didn’t believe me. Even after a prolonged amount of time of both Jake and I trying to convince her, she still thought we were kidding. While we were talking on this occasion though, she explained why she was so hesitant to believe us.

“I just didn’t think you were gay,” she said.

“Really? Because most people tell me that they kind of already knew,” I told her.

“I guess it’s just that I never saw individual things you did and attributed it to being feminine or homosexual. It was just you and I accepted you as a whole.”

Wow, I thought. That’s deep. And it got me to thinking.

I have always been of the belief that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. So the next natural step is, if a guy looks like he’s gay, walks like he’s gay, and talks like he’s gay, he’s probably gay. Makes sense, right? But that’s not what Faye was saying. She said that I might dress different than other people, and I might have a little more bounce and fluidity to my walk than the normal guy. I might even talk in ways that your average guy wouldn’t. But those are nothing more than the buildup of me. It’s seeing the person as a whole instead of bit by bit. And it is also the acceptance of that person as a whole instead of only what you are willing to stomach.

Most people, myself included, see a person display a characteristic trait and then we define the person by that trait. For instance, we see someone who lies, or who is a Vegan, or who loves the Raiders (heaven help them), and then we label them, categorize them, and place them in a nice little box in which they fit into. Faye, on the other hand, is saying, “Sure that person might lie, but that isn’t who they are. The fact that they lie isn’t what defines them.”

Unless…

Have you ever known someone who has a problem which they let define them? Or, more pointedly, do you have a problem which you let define you? For me, I sometimes get my head so wrapped around the fact that I’m gay that I forget about everything else. It takes over my life. It consumes me. And soon it is the only thought in my mind, it’s all I can see. I have other problems in my life but I don’t focus on them. Because I don’t focus on them, they don’t feel as pressing or important or horrific. Perhaps I'm only seeing a little bit of myself and not the whole picture. And perhaps, I would be happier if I didn't define myself by the little things I do.

So, Faye, though you probably didn’t mean to be the topic of choice for this portion of my blog, you have definitely given me a grand insight on life. Thank you.

Top 5 Good List: Number Five, I Know...

Being able to say ‘I know’ about anything is nothing to sniff at. Consider all of the money that goes into teachers, professors, advisors, horoscopes, psychics, philosophers, religious leaders, political leaders, poets, and writers. We spend thousands upon thousands of dollars towards these people in search of knowledge or insight or inspiration. We want to be able to say ‘I know’ and mean it. In knowledge, we find happiness. It’s being able to turn on a light and see that there is no monster in the closet. It’s digging down into the cracker jack box and finding the secret prize. It’s being able to stand firm amidst a sea of confusion and to be able to declare truth.

Some of the most scholarly people in the world don’t know some of the most basic answers to life’s grandest questions. Where did I come from? Who am I? And where am I going?

Those questions have been asked as far back as can be recorded and I imagine they’ll continue for a little while longer. And even though the answer has always been there, people don’t know where to look for it.
Being in the Church has taught me a lot, mainly about myself. But I am happy to be included in the few who can say that we know the answers to those questions. I know my purpose on this planet. I know the reason for existing. I know what is expected of me and I know what I can one day become.

I don’t pretend to be a perfect person. I have a lot of weaknesses and contradictions, much like any other person. But it’s this knowledge I have that makes me want to be better, to continue on, to try even when it seems that all the roads are blocked and someone has made off with my silver lining. And even though I may tend to complain or occasionally get bitter or downtrodden, I know that if I keep trying, one day those challenges and struggles I have will all just fall away.

Top 5 Bad List: Number Five, Mehwidge, The Final Fwontier...

Mehwidge….

Like the movie says, “Mehwidge is what bweengs us together today.” And they weren’t kidding! When you think about it, marriage is kind of the pinnacle of accomplishments of life, or at least one of them. You can set your goal to get that speedy European car, or that three story mansion in Malibu, or the best paying job, or even all of the money in the world. And, on your own, you could very well obtain any or all of those things. But there is one thing you can’t obtain on your own: marriage. Nope. Can’t do it. Marriage needs two people. You can be the hottest of hotties, or the smartest of smarties, but it’s all for nothing if that other person doesn’t feel mutually.

That’s right! We’re talking about love, the dreaded ‘L’ word. You can love your shoes, your favorite books, and your own good looks, but none of those things can love you back. And man was not meant to be alone on this world. We’ve been engineered to need companionship, regardless of how independent or reclusive you might think you are. No one is immune to wanting someone with whom they can share their lives with. Including me…

There are times when I can’t think of anything else but my desire to have someone who I can share everything with. It’s more than a longing for friendship. I’ve had friendship all my life. And it’s more than sex. I’ve… uhh… had more than my share of that, too. It’s being half of a whole. And it is something I don’t confess to desiring often because I just don’t think that I’ll ever reach that goal in this lifetime. I mean, I could do it, but even the thought of it sends me into a spiral of “what if” questions. Like, “What if I do get married and I’m still attracted to men? How is that being an honest, faithful husband?”

One of the biggest fears I have goes a little like this. I decided to go ahead and get married. I find an amazing woman who I love and who loves me. She understands my situation and together we feel like this is just one of many challenges that we’ll face but if we work on it together, it’ll be okay. So, we get engaged. Unlike some couple, we would plan out the wedding together, seeing as I have a long history with fashion sense and interior design, and together we’d get everything all mapped out. She picks her bride’s maids. I pick my groom’s men. And, like any girl at the age of 16 can tell you, she has already known who her bride’s maids would be years ago. To be honest, I already know who my groom’s men would be as well. And we get the show on the road. Somehow our nerves last out until the big day when we’re making our vows. At my right side is this beautiful woman that God has blessed me with… but, to my left is a row of guys who I’m tragically attracted to. Sure, I’m attracted to my fiancé’s personality and her spirit. But physically, I’m attracted to these guys who are primed and groomed to perfection (or at least they had better be).
Do you see the potential problem here?

And what’s worse is that I have a mother who gently mentions having more grandchildren to me, a best friend who I love with all of my heart, and the ever-present weight of Mormon Culture. All of whom are breathing down my neck, either deliberately or not.

*sigh*

Yes, mehwidge is what brought me here. But why does it seem to be the more unobtainable goal for me?

Top 5 Good List: Number Four, I Have Hope...

Hope is an amazing thing. Hope opens doors, brings light into darkness, and beckons you onward. Hope overcomes hardships, stands firm in the face of opposition, and carries you through the tough times. Sometimes hope is a tricky boat to steer, but at least you can know that you’re going to reach your destination in safety so long as you keep trying.

I was going to talk more about this topic, but I'm 'hoping' this picture says it all.

Top 5 Bad List: Number Four, Chasity for Life? Seriously?

Whenever I hear the word chastity, my mind take me back to the first time I saw “Robin Hood: Men in Tights.” A wonderful movie, if I do say so myself. In this rendition of Robin Hood, Maid Marian is not simply a virtuous woman, but she wear a literal chastity belt made out of, what looks to be, iron.

Keeping with that mental image, whenever I’ve heard ‘chastity’ since (whether during the missionary discussions or in Elder’s Quorum) I always envision an actual chastity belt. Well, the Church is big on chastity, and so I often find myself giggling inwardly.

Nevertheless, I’m facing a difficult challenge. You see, in my present condition, I don’t think I’m quite ready to jump into a marriage. And since the Church frowns on sex prior to getting hitched, I’m kind of looking at a sad option. Chastity has never been my strong suit to begin with, but chastity for life sounds slightly reminiscent of my own personal hell.

Top 5 Good List: Number Three, I'm In Tune With My Feelings...

I’ve heard it said that men have PMS, just as much as any girl does, and different only in a few minor details. While I’m not about to speak for all men, I can vouch that I definitely have my moodier moments of the months. And sometimes it’s two or three times a month! I don’t know what it is. I wake up, same as any day, but then the hot water runs out too soon, I can’t find the perfect outfit to wear, my cereal gets soggy too quickly… and somewhere along the way, my emotional side bubbles up to the surface and that’s all she wrote.

Why on earth is this in the Top 5 Good List? Because I said so, that’s why. Well, that and the fact that it means that I’m real with myself. I’m not trying to say that straight guys don’t bestow that kind of genuine emotional behavior upon everyone else. No, I wouldn’t try to say anything like that at all. *ahem*

Let’s put it this way, I’ve had this conversation more than once with straight LDS guys. “I don’t bare my testimony.” And upon me asking why, they say something to the effect of, “Because I don’t want to feel the Spirit. If I feel the Spirit, I might cry and I don’t want that.”

Red flag! Okay, so you’re so much of a man that you can’t cry? And because you can’t cry, you deny yourself of the Spirit? Tsk tsk, my straight brothers. But I can’t say that I don’t understand them. Shoot, I cry watching Bambi. I should make a bunch of straight guys watch Bambi with me and secretly video tape it. Would that be bad of me? Hehe! I could call it a science project.

No, but seriously. Emotions are meant to be shared. We’re not robots, though sometimes straight guys are a little void of range to their voice, movement of their limbs, spring in their step, etc. Loosen up, guys! Cry a little! You’re not the bloody tin man. You won’t rust! Promise!

PS, I've realized that some of the pictures aren't always easy to see. But, if you click on them, that should help.