November 8, 2012

The Story Continues... Part 1

Not all that long ago, I was seriously contemplating taking my own life. I had made plans on how and when I would do it and was in the process of writing my reasons so that my family and friends would understand better. I knew, though, that complete understanding would most likely never come.

I was beyond depression. I loathed myself and devoted a great deal of energy focused on all of my failings, weaknesses, and shortcomings. Little by little, I was convincing myself of the reasons why giving up in this form made sense.

It wasn't that I didn't have friends or family that loved me. I was incredibly popular for reasons that utterly alluded my understanding. In fact, on several instances, I had people tell me that I was the happiest person they knew. Can you believe that? Someone who was actively planning their suicide was perceived as being the happiest person in another's life. When asked why, they would say, "It's because you smile all the time and you make me want to smile with you."

At right at the lowest part of all of this, I remember feeling the impression from Heavenly Father to hold out a little longer. So I did...

It wasn't too much longer after that impression that a friend and wife of one of the counselors of my ward, presented me with a magazine. It was a copy of LDS Living and pictured a happy couple and their child on the front cover. I smiling thinly, privately envious at such people who are blessed with companionship, and told my friend, "That's a happy couple."

She looked me over. "You didn't read it, did you?" And she pointed to the side tab that explained the contents of the magazine. Under that particular article it said, "Our Story: Living with Same-Sex Attration."

I was blown away. This family? This happy family, dealt with same sex attaction? I needed to learn more. I tried to borrow the copy from my friend, but she said it was mine, and started reading it immediately.

And so began a new chapter in a book that I had been so eager to shut entirely...


  1. I love you I love you I love you I love you. Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep walking. Every breath brings you a little bit closer to finding happiness, balance, and peace. You CAN figure this out. You CAN live with happiness. If God can forgive you for ANYTHING, you can forgive yourself.