Sometimes, no… let’s be honest. Often, I get wrapped up in feeling pretty crummy over not being able to get over these feelings. I would almost like to compare it to the double life of a secret agent… except that makes it sound fun and exciting. And let me tell you, it’s neither. But I feel like I’m living two lives. On the outside, I’m happy, funny, perhaps even mistaken for being righteous. On the inside however, I fully recognize just how sinful and hypocritical I probably am.
I know it sounds pretty dramatic, but in a way, I allow those feelings to over-dominate my life. I’ve talked about this. And obviously, the next step is that it affects my happiness. But what it also does is hinder my spiritual progression. I mean, if the whole plan given to us by our Heavenly Father is that we can be happy, then I’m flunking that class altogether.
I have a friend named Ben. Lately, Ben and I have been spending a lot of time together. He’s pretty nice, friendly, and generally light hearted. But there is one mannerism that Ben has which just pissed me off to no end. Ben says what a lot of people say: “That’s so gay!” “Don’t be gay, man!” “You’re so gay!” And so on… Now, I’m not going to get into the fact that Ben doesn’t know that I really am gay. I’m not going to talk about how he is meaning “gay” as in “stupid.” I know he isn’t bashing me, because if he really knew how him seemingly constant barrage of sentences with ‘gay’ in it actually affected me, he wouldn’t do it. But Ben’s comments only remind me of what I’ve been trying to ignore. I am gay. I’m imperfect.
I feel guilty, and I don’t like it…
What do you feel guilty about? Being gay?
ReplyDeleteMichael, you are NOT gay.... Gay is a term, a worldly term or label to describe one with same-gender attraction who chooses the lifestyle to pursue those same-sex relationships. You may have homosexual tendencies and same sex attraction but unless you are acting upon those feelings and urges you are NOT gay.
ReplyDeleteJust thought I'd clarify that for you...at least that is my opinion... :-)
Yes, Bravone. Guilty for being gay, or having same gender attraction. Cory, I honestly understand what you mean and it makes complete sense, but gay is just so much quicker to say sometimes. Even so, I'll try to be better at the distinction. It's true. I'm not sleeping with men.
ReplyDeleteYou know Michael, you have it so much worse than I do, but I'm pretty sure I obsess over it as much as you do. I am attracted to both genders, though more to women than to men, but was still liky enough to find a man that I love and am attracted to. Despite that, despite having never been with a woman, I still identify as bi, and I still find myself obsessing over my attractions and feeling guilty about them. I had these feelings for years, though I always pushed them away and pretended they weren't there. It finally got to a point where I couldn't push it away anymore, and I had to admit that it was a real problem for me. I prayed about it and I still kept losing ground in my thought life and fantasy life
ReplyDeleteThat was the biggest reason that I stepped away from the church. I felt that God couldn't accept who I was. I have to admit that I also really can't understand how He can create people who are only attracted to the same gender, period, and expect them not to act on it. It just doesn't seem fair that we are created so different and have to live up to the same standards, which are easy for some, and nearly impossible for others. I have lost the ability to believe the way I used to. I feel sad, heartbroken without the strength of faith that I once had, but I just can't seem to find that faith anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I ever said I felt that way, CRendia. God is very accepting of people. But there is a difference between accepting and condoning something. "Come unto me," the Saviour said. All are welcome, regardless of who or what you are. I do believe that God wants every person to return to Heaven. But... it just isn't up to Him. It's up to us. And He does not condone sin.
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