An Unnecessary Fixation...

I don't know if you can tell by the vast amounts of posts I've been conjuring lately [tongue in cheek], but I really have been giving my blog a lot of thought lately. To be honest, not much has changed which might explain for my lack of posts. And yet...


I want to return to an older blog, "Wisdom in Thy Youth, Part 3," where I said that I learned something very crucial to my situation. If you remember, with some help from a good friend, I had come to the realization that the more I dwell on my problems (no matter what they are), the worse they seem to get. Makes sense, right? The closer you peer into a microscope, the less you can see of everything else and the narrower your scope is upon your fixation.


Taking my own advice, I haven't been fixing my sights solely upon my situation of same gender attraction. And, as a result, I've been much happier. The problem seems lessened. I don't stress out about it as much or as often.


I know that forgetting your problems isn't easy. I’m not that naïve. I know from experience that forgetting the painful thorn in our sides is not exactly easy or simple. It hurts! It’s there! And in some cases, it seems darn near impossible remove the thorn! And you know what? It may be. But how does ignoring the good and focusing on the bad change or improve anything? The short answer is that it doesn’t.


Speaking of complaining, Elder Holland said, “I have often thought that Nephi’s being bound with cords and beaten by rods must have been more tolerable to him than listening to Laman and Lemuel’s constant murmuring. Surely he must have said at least once, “Hit me one more time. I can still hear you.”


Long story short, nothing will make a problem worse quicker or more efficiently than complaining, bemoaning, and focusing on it and I can honestly say that my life has improved greatly since I’ve tried implementing that into my daily life.

Manly Things...

Lately, I’ve been trying to engage myself in activities that don’t exactly interest me in hopes of releasing my inner-man. I know he’s in there somewhere, so I’m knocking on the door asking him to come out and play. As such, I have been planning on playing more sports, working out, camping, and other means of getting dirty.

So far, I played kick ball and, on my turn, got the ball stuck in a nearby tree, ending the game. I twisted my knee running. I actually took my shirt off at the beach the other day and pretended not to be self-conscious. I recently went shooting and last year, I went paintballing. I can’t exactly say that any of these have brought me any closer towards my goal of being more masculine, but it was fun trying.

Why would I want to do these things? And what do these things have to do with being manly? Your guess is as good as mine. But in my mind, it’s all about emulation. As much as this might be controversial to say, and as little as people might understand or agree with this, I want to be attracted to the opposite sex. I don’t know if missing a shower once in a while, or becoming an expert marksman, or getting tackled will get me to that goal. But, for now, I’m faced with some questions.

First off, why do I want to become more masculine? Carol actually asked me that question and I was surprised that I didn’t already know the answer. She apparently figured that out from my lack of response, so she said, “If it’s really something that you want to be, then awesome, but if it’s just for other people’s benefit…” And it made me think, ‘Am I doing this just for other people or am I doing it for me? Or, more importantly, am I doing it for the Lord?’

Even so, I told her, “I like being me, right up until I’m around other people.”

“Any other people,” she asked.

“Yeah, other people. Some girls, but mostly men. And it doesn’t even matter if they know I’m struggling with this problem or not. It’s just me trying to be more like them. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, it does. So is it so that you will feel more comfortable when you are around them? Or do you currently feel like they feel uncomfortable around you when you're being you? Does THAT make sense?”

‘A little too much sense,’ I thought to myself. But, as always, she hit it right on the nose. All this time, I’ve been trying to act straight, I’ve been doing it to impress or to fit in with other people.

“Okay,” Carol said. “So have you enjoyed the new activities that you’ve tried?”

“Mmmm, some of them,” I said, trying to be as truthful as possible.

“It sounds like you had a few setbacks, but really, twisting your ankle and getting a ball stuck in a tree happens to everyone.”

“It’s true. I'm not saying that I'm doomed to never be able to play kickball. Nor am I claiming kickball to be the manliest of all sports either,” to which we both laughed.

Going back to the original question (Is doing all these things getting me anywhere?), because if the answer is No, why do them? I guess I should ask myself if these things have already changed me for the better. And the answer is… yes. But not in the way I might have been originally hoping for. When I was playing kickball, I was not mindfully doing it to become straight. I did it because I wanted to participate in our Branch activity. I didn’t start working out so that I’d transform myself into some straight Adonis. I’m doing it to keep in shape. The more I really think about it, the times I’ve come closer to meeting my goal, are the times when I wasn’t consciously working towards it.

Perhaps this doesn’t mean that I can never think of working at becoming straight. Perhaps that isn’t even something that can or should be worked towards! But the more I do things that I don’t necessarily enjoy in hopes of achieving what I feel my Heavenly Father wants me to do, not only do I think He’ll be pleased with me, but I also think that I will enjoy doing those things. And, in a blog that is all about changing my desires, that conclusion is very comforting to me.

Songs of Old...

I got a call yesterday, just as I was leaving Church. When I answered, the voice said, “It’s about time you answered your phone!”

Now, for those of you who know me, you might know that that is a phrase I hear quite often. I’m notorious for responding to phone messages a week late, if at all. But this call was different, because I immediately recognized the voice, and the voice belonged to Brice Singer.

I may have mentioned Brice before, but just in case I haven’t, Brice belongs to the beginning parts of my life, way back in the days of Mister Saul and Doublemint. But Brice was more my age.

Due to reasons of my own, I don’t like to get graphic with this blog. It isn’t my intent to share dirty secrets or fill minds with things that will only harm them. But I feel it is somewhat necessary to say that I had a lot of love affairs in my earlier years. But from start to finish, there were only two guys who could ever claim my affection. I’ve already shared the sad ballad of Nick Pine. But the first was Brice Singer.

So you can probably imagine how I felt when I got the phone call. I felt an old elation that I hadn’t felt for him in a long time. It was as if it really hadn’t been ten years since we last saw each other. But I also felt instant dread. I’m Mormon now. I’m nothing of what he used to know. And yet, while we talked, he assured me that, “cult or no,” he would always be my friend.

I was talking to Carol Wanderly about this phone call and, like she often does when I bring up these kinds of instances, she became few in words. And I realized that it was probably uncomfortable for her to hear of stories like that. It made me also realize that even though Brice would always accept me, it wasn’t his approval I was striving for. For that matter, it wasn’t that of Carol’s. My aim since I joined the Church has been and always will be to please my Father in Heaven and it is his approval that I need to keep in mind.

It would be all too easy to slip into a friendship with Brice. He’s smart, funny, and generally a handsome guy. But I am just not sure if my motives would be in the right place. There are times when I think that it is safer to let some people go. Harder, but safer.

What are you thinking, readers? Do you think I’m cold? Analytical, perhaps? Well, perhaps I am. Perhaps I’m quite selfish, thinking only of my own happiness and not that of old friends… old relations…

A Friendly Reminder...

This was the message I received today. I have to admit, I already had a second part of that original blog written out that I was waiting to post today. But now that I got this message, I'm not sure I want to send it. Hahaha! In all seriousness, this was a very kind and loving reminder which I needed. And to that friend, I say thank you. I love you very much as well.

 

 

 

I was going to leave this comment on your blog, but a) it was long, and b) it was quite personal. So here it is.
Let's get one thing straight (no pun intended). Being gay does not equal being imperfect. No matter what people tell you. And in the second place, NO ONE IS PERFECT. We're not supposed to be! If we were, there would be no need for the Atonement. We're supposed to do the best we can, but the Lord doesn't ask us to do more than that. We waste so much time on guilt. Sometimes we think we're supposed to..."godly sorrow" and all that. But the Lord wants us to be happy. That's His ultimate goal for us.

I'm going to be candid and straightforward right now. You may take my advice or leave it.

I think sometimes gay Mormons equate “being happy” with “being straight.” And since everyone’s goal is “being happy,” it means that gay Mormons’ goals sometimes become “being straight.” But you might as well say your goal is “having blue eyes.” Nothing you do in this life will change your eyes to blue. The only person who has the power to do that is God. So it’s kind of in His hands and His hands alone. That’s a harsh and direct way of saying that, I know. But who says that having blue eyes will make you happy in the first place!?

Happiness comes from doing meaningful things with your life. From learning new things. From gaining new experiences. From cultivating meaningful relationships. Romance CAN bring happiness, and the Lord wants marriage and family life to be a part of everyone’s happiness. But just because you’re gay, don’t exclude yourself from all other forms of happiness. Sometimes you have to shut your ears to the members of the Church and just start listening to the Lord Himself. Things get confusing otherwise. (Which makes my message of advice kinda hypocritical. But whatever.)

So maybe it’s time to reevaluate your goals. “Being straight” may not be the place to start. “Doing something meaningful with your life” might be easier to work towards. It’s hard in the Church because so often, the message is, “Start your own family and then your life will be filled with happiness.” But happiness comes from “family life.” And you came from a family too. You don’t have to be the patriarch of a family to have happiness in it.

And whenever I hear anyone say, "That's so gay" I always say "I didn't know that thing could have a sexual orientation. Or did you mean that thing is stupid? Because being gay and being stupid are pretty different things." It makes me mad.

And I love you dearly.

The Double Life of Michael Liberty...

Sometimes, no… let’s be honest. Often, I get wrapped up in feeling pretty crummy over not being able to get over these feelings. I would almost like to compare it to the double life of a secret agent… except that makes it sound fun and exciting. And let me tell you, it’s neither. But I feel like I’m living two lives. On the outside, I’m happy, funny, perhaps even mistaken for being righteous. On the inside however, I fully recognize just how sinful and hypocritical I probably am.

I know it sounds pretty dramatic, but in a way, I allow those feelings to over-dominate my life. I’ve talked about this. And obviously, the next step is that it affects my happiness. But what it also does is hinder my spiritual progression. I mean, if the whole plan given to us by our Heavenly Father is that we can be happy, then I’m flunking that class altogether.

I have a friend named Ben. Lately, Ben and I have been spending a lot of time together. He’s pretty nice, friendly, and generally light hearted. But there is one mannerism that Ben has which just pissed me off to no end. Ben says what a lot of people say: “That’s so gay!” “Don’t be gay, man!” “You’re so gay!” And so on… Now, I’m not going to get into the fact that Ben doesn’t know that I really am gay. I’m not going to talk about how he is meaning “gay” as in “stupid.” I know he isn’t bashing me, because if he really knew how him seemingly constant barrage of sentences with ‘gay’ in it actually affected me, he wouldn’t do it. But Ben’s comments only remind me of what I’ve been trying to ignore. I am gay. I’m imperfect.

I feel guilty, and I don’t like it…

Something Old, Something New...

Dear Readers,

I would first like to apologize for the apparent neglect I have been showing my blog these last few weeks. While it was never my intention to conjure posts every day, I still feel that I owe you all something substantial at least once a week. But with my birthday, which was yesterday, and other events in my life, I have not been able to stay as dedicated as I had hoped. So, with that said, I am sorry.

Having said that, I want it known that I am very happy at present. I believe I left off last explaining how I had a prayer answered. A bit of a cliff hanger, as soon of you have told me privately. Heh! While I hadn’t intended on sharing too much concerning that situation, I’ll divulge (hopefully) enough to appease your interest.

About three weeks ago, I came to realize that I have been praying to be straight for a long time. I was almost frustrated when I thought about how many times I begged Heavenly Father to somehow lift this same gender attraction from me. And yet, nothing had changed. True, I am not out sleeping with guys or even dating. But I was no closer to being straight.

Then I realized that I had always been praying for the same thing. It was always that I would stop being attracted to men, and while I think that that was a righteous desire, I became aware that there were other things to pray for. So, for possibly the first sincere time in my life, I prayed to find women attractive. I told Heavenly Father that I wouldn’t care who it was, that I would honor that attraction as well as the woman. I explained how I would love to have a family, but I didn’t want to marry without any attraction to the woman I was married to. I knew that all men, straight or not, still find other people than their significant other attractive. I told Heavenly Father that I was willing to join the ranks of people who dealt with that attraction while balancing a committed relationship, if only I could have that. By the end of the prayer, I felt much better, as thought the Spirit was hugging me with comfort.

That was Friday. On Saturday, we had the opportunity to have BYU’s Young Ambassadors in our sandy little town, who performed Harmony at a local performing arts center. After the show, I was telling a friend about how awesome the show was. When I turned around, I saw a girl standing behind me. I immediately recognized her as a performer who was obviously coming out into the crowd to greet them personally. She was blonde, short, and extremely engaging.

“Well of course she is, Mike. She’s in show business!”

Yeah, yeah I know. And I tried to tell myself that that was all it was. But deep down, I felt that there was more to this girl, Melody Randle. But even though I felt a strange pull towards Melody, there was something else I wanted to do. So after a little while of conversation, I politely excused myself to talk to another of my friends. But the next person I saw was another performer who was also making his way towards me.

Now, I want you to know that I am a firm believer of free agency, which means that there needs to be options. There are a lot of good roads, a lot of bad roads, but usually only one perfect road. I could talk more about that, but I think it’s fair enough to say that I was being presented with two options at that exact moment, even though I didn’t quite realize it yet.

Even so, I began talking to this guy who I later found was named Flynn Kennedy. He was tall, handsome, and I instantly knew (thanks to the miracles of Gay-dar) that he was batting on my team. Somehow I knew that Flynn was one of those people who, prior to joining the Church, I had the habit of dating. They’re fun, exciting, and usually the life of the party. So far, in my mind, I became instantly scared of him. And if you think about it, and your perfect temptation came walking up to you, wouldn’t that be a little scary? Flynn isn’t exactly monstrous, but he’s a little too much of what my carnal self is looking for that it makes me really happy that he lives in Utah.

So, as I said before, with free agency comes the ability to choose. And with the ability to choose comes opinions. And as bad as it sounds, if I were to be honest with myself, I would have to say the feelings I have for Melody came from Heavenly Father, whereas the feelings I have towards Flynn are… not. Which means I have some choices: pursue a relationship with Melody, pursue a relationship with Flynn, pursue one with both, or drop them both. Now it may SOUND like an easy decision, but I assure you it isn’t.

Imagine being faced with an option that is comfortable. It is familiar… what you’re used to. It poses problems, sure. But then doesn’t everything? And then there is the other option which is just about opposite in every way. It’s new, and by new I mean it’s like a six year old on the playground with a crush, pulling a girl’s hair and then running off shouting, “I love you!” Seriously, the earlier post about straight guys acting all goofy when they’re around girls they’re interested in ought to be updated with this new-found revelation. I have a little more sympathy (empathy, more like it) than I did before.

Wisdom In Thy Youth, Part Three...

Last Friday, I was speaking with an old friend, Cory Lawson. We’ve kept in touch over the years, though I haven’t always been the best at calling. But that didn’t seem to matter. When he answered the phone on Friday, we spoke as if there had been no time in between us at all. We began talking about my struggles being gay. I asked him if he knew of anything I could do to relieve the attraction I have for the same gender. And what he told me opened my eyes to a whole new way of going about not only this problem, but virtually every problem.

He said, first of all, you (meaning me) have to come to realize there is no conquering anything. I was confused and almost in objection, but I let him talk. “Think about it,” Cory said. “When in your life have you ever conquered anything? You haven’t. You only outgrow it. Before you joined the Church, you had these feelings, right?”

“Yeah…”

“And they’re still there, right?”

“Yeah…” And I thought, ‘I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you if it wasn’t so.’

“But you don’t have sex with men anymore, right?”

“No.”

“Then you’d say you’ve improved, right?” When I agreed, he said, “Just from what I know about you, I’d say that you’ve improved in this department by about 90%. Now the other 10% is what you’re trying to work out right now, right? It’s the basic attraction plus the every now and again dwelling on things that you know you shouldn’t dwell on.”

“You’re right on so far,” I told him.

“So basically what you are telling me is, you’ve improved 90% of the way but since you are focusing on the 10%, it seems like you haven’t improved at all.” There was silence on the other end of the phone. I was speechless. He continued, “Then my advice would be to stop beating yourself up. I’ve noticed that there are times when I find myself trying to be perfect in a certain thing and the more I try to work at it and stress over it, the more it seems to be out of my reach.”

“Yeah,” was my award-winning response.

“Michael, when you think a lot about something, especially weaknesses you might have, that something grows into an exaggerated version of the truth. It begins to define you, because all you can see is this one thing. You probably struggle with a lot of things, don’t you? What’s one thing you struggle with other than same-gender attraction?”

“Uhhh… I… uhh…” Just then, a massive list of faults began to pile up, but before I could answer, he just continued right along, as Cory sometimes does.

He said, “That’s exactly my point! You really have to think about other problems you are facing in your life. Have you ever had a problem with lying?”

“Sure,” I confessed. “But it was mainly before I joined the Church.”

“Do you still struggle with that now?”

“No. Well, sometimes I catch myself lying or about to lie, and I quickly correct myself.”

“In other words, you’re still tempted to lie, and sometimes you are about to, but you fix it.” Another one of Cory’s habits is repeating things I’ve said. “You probably don’t sit around all day and think about not lying, huh? You probably don’t tell yourself that you’re a liar and that you need to be 100% perfect at not lying, ever. Is that about right?”

“I guess. No, no I guess I don’t.”

“See! That’s my point! Do you think it’d be any different with this other struggle you’re going through? Or any struggle you are going through, for that matter?” He didn’t wait for my response. “I don’t think so. So why focus on it so much?”

“It is probably the most important issue in my life, at present.”

“It could be, yes. I’ll give you that. But think of it as being like diabetes. For a diabetic person, they have certain foods they have to stay away from, regardless of how tempting they may be. They are always aware that those foods are dangerous for them, but they don’t obsess over not being able to eat them otherwise it’d just make them want to eat them even more. Instead, they go about their life, doing whatever it is they enjoy doing. They have diabetes, but they don’t let it control them. They don’t completely ignore the problem either. If they were to stop taking their medication, they would face some serious dangers. They might even die. So you see, they have to be protecting themselves continually, while not allowing themselves to think too much on the subject. Do you understand?”

I was feeling slightly overwhelmed, but I was seeing the symbolism. If I were to keep doing the things that I know will keep my safe, I will most likely be fine. Like the diabetic who stops taking their insulin, if I stopped doing those things that protect myself, I’d be facing some serious problems. I need to take care of myself, but if I let my problem control my life, I’d be placing myself in unnecessary jeopardy.

Years ago, Cory taught me about steps. He said that everyone has steps that lead them places. No one becomes an apostate overnight. Nor does anyone wake up and magically become saintly. It’s a process of steps. Step one isn't looking at pornography. That’s like step six or seven. Step one or two is encountering something that is tempting, and then allowing that thought to linger in your mind. “So instead of combating pornography, perhaps you should be identifying step one and then avoid it.”

“So, to answer your question about relieving the attraction you feel towards the same gender, I don’t know if that’s something you can change. But what you should be focused on is obtaining an attraction towards the opposite gender, and somewhere along the way, you’ll slowly grow out of your former attractions. You can’t conquer it on your own, and the more you think about it, the harder it will be. But if you honestly believe that Heavenly Father wants you to be happy, then you should stop making yourself miserable by focusing on the 10%, which is pretty much out of your hands anyways.”

When I got off the phone with Cory, a scripture came into my head. It’s a pretty popular one, so I’m sure you’ve heard of it: “Ask, and it shall be given you…” That scripture was followed up by another. “Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss…” Perhaps I’ve always been asking for the wrong thing. Maybe the reason why I’ve been struggling for so long with this problem was simply because I was going about it the wrong way. I was asking the wrong question. So I prayed right then for the ability to become physically attracted to a woman, that I may one day enter into the happiness my Father has prepared for me. And although I won’t get into the particulars, my prayer was answered.