This New Years, I wrote a little note on Facebook briefly going over my goals for the new year. One of them was that I would go on at least one date with a girl every month. Now, last month I cheated and dated a girl who already knew I was gay. She claims it counts, but I have my doubts. Nevertheless, it’s almost February, and I don’t want to cheat again.
Okay, I realize that one date a month isn’t so bad. It means that out of the whole stinking year, I’ll have gone on a date a whopping total of twelve times. I get that, really I do. But it’s twelve opportunities for me to really make a fool of myself, too. And from my perspective, a lot of problems can go wrong with this whole thing. For one, I have a serious problem with lying and with people who lie. For reasons I’ve already gone over, trust is a dodgy concept for me and I try to preserve what I can of it. But, when I, being gay, ask a girl, being not-gay, out on a date, isn’t that kind of dishonest?
“But, Michael! It’s only a date! You’re not proposing to her!”
Yeah, I know. But that may not be what’s going through her head! She may be like, “Michael is asking me out! He likes me!” And rightfully so. If one person asks another out, there should be some kind of interest in that person. It isn’t a stupid conclusion.
Something else is, what happens if Miss February enjoys it, gets flattered, and wants a little kiss as we’re saying goodbye? What should I do? Kiss her? Yuck! Heh! No, seriously; yuck! I don’t want to be mean, but I’m gay for a reason. I like guys. It isn’t that girls utterly repulse me… always. But I just kind of prefer, oh I don’t know, lips with stubble on them.
No, but I’m serious. What happens if the girl actually likes the date and wants to go on another? I can’t very well say, “Sorry chick. My quota for February is full, and since I can’t date the same girl twice in a year seeing as I don’t really like you in the first place but was only dating you to…” Do you see where I’m going with this? I can’t do that. It’d kill her and then she’d kill me. And then who would write these awful blogs which, as of late, seem to be nothing more than exasperated rants? Who, I ask you?
So, some of you may be asking, “Then why did you set that goal for yourself in the first place?” And I confess! I don’t know! I regret it! No, I don’t regret making the goal. I make goals all the time. (I also break goals all the time.) I regret being so stinking vocal about it, because now I’m being held accountable by my friends who know about that goal. Stupid Facebook…
And to top if off, Carol Wanderly, my best friend, suggested that I keep a log detailing how those dates go. I mean, on the one hand, I’m already changing everyone’s names in an effort to avoid hurt feelings and hungry lawyers, so I don’t think it too horrible of myself for posting how it goes. On the other hand, it means that now I’m accountable to all of you as well. Stupid Blogspot…
To be completely honest, the real reason I have decided to do this dating thing is that I felt as though, in response to my prayers, the Spirit told me that this would help me. As such, I should be doing it with a willing heart, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m still freaking out about it. It’s a major leap of faith for me. Yeah, I’d like help with my struggles, but I feel like I’m being asked to ride into the enemy’s camp, like Jonah was. It makes me feel a deeper understanding for his reluctance to get off his A and do it.
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