February 12, 2011

Give Me Liberty!

Prior to baptism, and before I told the missionaries that I was gay, I knew that I was going to have to change my life a lot. “That’s fine,” I told himself. “After I’m baptized, it’ll happen. “I’ll be straight, or at least will be closer to becoming so, and I’ll have it easy.” I was told, after all, that baptism would cleanse me of all my past. So why couldn’t it erase any lingering habits, too? (I’m actually still a little confused about that one…) Needless to say, I was one unhappy camper when I realized this just wasn’t so.

“Okay,” I said, bouncing back. “That’s okay. Maybe when I get the Spirit. Yeah! That’ll do it for sure!” And again, I disappointed.

“No problem,” I told himself, trying to comfort my (at this point) fragile expectations. “When I get the Aaronic Priesthood, for sure I’ll be rid of this struggle.” That time came and went and I still found myself struggling.

“What gives?!” I was a little frustrated at this point. But I knew of something that might help. The Melchizedek Priesthood! “Just one more hurdle and I’ll be there!” This hurdle wasn’t reached until a year after my baptism and even then, I was still attracted to men. “Freak! When will I ever be straight?!” I knew that I could still go through the Temple and receive my endowments, but at this point, I wasn’t sure anything was going to relieve this burden.

I received dozens of priesthood blessings, all on this one topic. I prayed and cried and fasted… And through it all, I never heard anything that led me to believe that my faithfulness would ever lead me to becoming straight. In fact, in my blessing, I was even told that I would struggle with this for the rest of my mortal life. Oh, sure. I could have thought, “Well, at least I won’t have to deal with this in the life after this one.” But no. It was something more like, “Are you kidding me?! How am I supposed to do all the things I’m supposed to AND be gay at the same time?”

This was such a down time in my spiritual progression. I felt as though there was no reason to follow any of the commandments since no matter how obedient I might be, at the end of the day I’d still be gay. So I began to break the commandments. And of course, I got depressed. And then I lost hope altogether.

Now, try to imagine how dangerous a situation this was. On the one hand, I saw no purpose in continuing with the gospel. I didn’t see it as being of any use to me seeing as I could never get married, have children, and all of those types of things that I’d been told NEED to be done. And all of this was in comparison to the ‘happy’ feelings I had prior to being in the Church where I was pretty much ‘free’ to do whatever I wanted. While on the other hand, I knew that wickedness never was happiness. I couldn’t return to my old life and it be the same as it was before. I knew too much now. And besides, I knew the Church was true.

I was caught in limbo. How could I stay in the Church when I could only feasibly progress so far? But how could I leave the Church when I knew that they were right? In the end, I realized that if I was ever to get to where I was going, I was going to have to stick it out. Sure, life was definitely going to get more challenging, and I still didn’t see how I would ever get married, but I would deal with that when it came. Trouble is, how do you deal with something you’re trying to avoid? If I never allow myself to be in the position of getting married, how can I deal with the situation of getting married? Does that even make sense?

And this pretty much brings us up to date with where I am today. It’s a constant tug-of-war with the colorful world of Gayland on the left and the painfully true world of the Mormons on the right. (And, in case you are wondering, Gayland is a lot like candy land. People wear the same clothes, the objective is pretty much the same, and if you stay there too long, you’ll probably die of tooth decay, a diabetic coma, or extreme mood swings.)

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