January 30, 2011

Blending In...

For as long as I can remember, I have tried to blend in. In elementary school, it was playing football. In middle school, it was being in the band. In high school, it was being a rebel. It was not about being cool or being popular. It was about not getting the crap beat out of me and being able to have friends.

When I graduated high school, I began to slowly become out to those closest to me. Most of them confessed to have known all along anyways and were just happy I trusted them enough to finally come out to them. (As a side note, if someone comes out to you, never EVER tell them, “Oh, I knew all along,” or, “Oh, I could tell that right away.” What you’re basically saying is, “You’re flaming. Only blind people who have also lost their sense of hearing could mistake you for straight, that is, if they couldn’t just feel the overwhelming sense of gayness as you enter the room.” Yeah! It’s not nice at all! Okay, that said, I can continue…) From that moment on, I had always been out about my sexuality. Being gay was just an addition to my name. “Hi! I’m Michael and I’m gay!”

This lasted up until the time that I joined the Church. From this moment on, I was back in the closet, and back to trying to blend in. Recently, I was telling my best friend, Carol, that I was planning on putting this subject as a post for my blog. We were speaking over Skype and I had a red legging tied around my head like some kind of 80’s sweat ban. Carol’s roommate saw what I had across my brow and said, “Yeah, that’s blending in!”

We laughed and out of the blue, I picked up a hanger and placed it on my head. “There,” I said. “Is that better?” To which my best friend told me that I should say that trying to blend in with the straight community is like walking around with a red legging tied around my head and a hanger as my crown. Initially, I didn’t like the idea (no offense to Carol), but let’s just say that the suggestion grew on me. Because, really, it kind of is a lot like that. I mean, I wouldn’t consider myself as an ultra-feminine guy, but there are some things about straight men that I try to emulate and it just doesn’t work out quite right.

For instance, dancing. Oh heavens. If you ever want to see me at my absolute gayest, put on some Lady Gaga and show me the dance floor. Holy cow. Another sure way of outing me is to get me to talk about something I’m excited about. Most guys, no offense to straight men, but they kind of talk in this even, almost monotone, voice. If they’re excited, you’d never know it, because their voice doesn’t change at all. It just stays dry and… well, boring. Mine, on the other hand, is all over the place. If I’m happy, my voice is a tenor. If you’ve caught me on a sad day, it’ll be more of a high bass or low baritone. Oh, and I smile a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And it’s a big smile with squinty eyes and dimples and… I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t hold back.

The problem is, straight guys do hold back. It isn’t cool to do those things. Or, if it is, it should be done for joking purposes and definitely not frequently. It’s dumb. They should just act how they want, or at least allow me to act how I want without looking at me with their narrow, expressionless eyes.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is that if I want to blend in with straight Mormons, I’ve got to really try hard in order to fit into this tiny little box with the other guys. I think that’s why I hang around girls so much. I can be myself and let my inner-black woman out now and then.

(I’m just anticipating some racist remarks about that one, haha! But whatever. I’ll take that when it comes!)


Basketball, football, soccer… I suck at them. But! I would be willing to play them if I didn’t look so freaking gay doing it! I played football for five years and was the quarterback, center, and a number of other positions. I know how to play the sport! It’s just that I can’t help but move in ways that kind of give myself away.

It’s like that movie, The Birdcage, when Robin Williams is trying to teach Nathan Lane how to be straight. He might as well have been trying to solve the global warming problem - and look just as silly as Al Gore while doing it - for all the good it was doing him. And at the end of the day, he ended up pretending to be the mother anyways. Nathan Lane. Not Al Gore. Heh!

What I think is exceptionally funny (though I rarely actually laugh about it) is when a straight guy does gay things and it’s all okay. I mean, pink is just a color. Anyone can wear pink, right? Wrong! You see, if a straight guy wears pink, he’s just being cool. He’s adding some color into his wardrobe. But if a gay guy wears pink, he’s such a … yeah. He’s flaming. He’s trying to rub his sexuality in everyone’s faces. He’s loud and on and on. (I’m rolling my eyes right now.) Okay, pink clothes aside, some straight guys think it is funny to act gay. Like, they’ll flirt with other guys, touch them, hang on them, and everything is hilarious. I’m not sure why it’s so funny, because you can bet your bottom dollar that if I tried a thing like that, even if I were totally joking, I’d leave that situation with a loose tooth and a bloodied pink polo. Maybe it’s just because it’s a little “too real” for them if I did it. Perhaps it’s like, “I can act as gay as I want so long as the other participants aren’t really gay.”

Something else that is hard to emulate about straight people, is their crudeness about women. Okay, true, this isn’t as big of a problem since I’ve joined the Church, but it is still prevalent, in a Mormon kind of way. I couldn’t talk about women’s things if I were in an anatomy class. It’s that level of weird/creepy/blah to me! And if that’s what I have to do it blend in, count me out!

I guess, what I’m trying to say, and am only going in circles because this is such an idiotic topic, is that straight guys suck. Sure, I might envy them, but they are either setting the bar really, really high on what it takes to be straight, or they’re setting the bar at an all-time low which makes any effort for a person with the slightest bit of culture or excitement or passion for anything darn near impossible to duplicate.

And the really crappy thing is, all I can think of it now is all the amazing one-liners that are in The Birdcage. But I can’t watch it because my straight friend, Marcy, told me it had to go. Bah!

2 comments:

  1. I've already commented like three times...but all I will say is...Jeniva and Paparazzi. Haha:)

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  2. Ok I want you to know, all of my friends are girls. I tend to act like them when I am around them a lot. And I have close friends who have pointed out how I act like a girl. I have cousins who have said the same thing. But I am straight. And unfortunately I am guilty of "hitting" on other guys jokingly. Please don't slay me. But I do want you to know that you don't have to worry about these things. The boring guys who are mono-tone, yea... Not fun to be around. I would rather dance like a fool listening to "bad romance" with you any day over those other guys.

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