Pressure vs Hope, Part Two...

This is how life should be for the normal Mormon male. At the age of 18, you begin making your life perfect so that, by the age of 19, you can promptly put in your missionary papers and then get shipped off to some exotic location like New Zealand, the Dominican Republic, or Germany. But even if you’re called to Buffalo, New York, life is still pretty grand. You serve for two wonderful years, eating a lot of food no one at home has ever heard of, taking a lot of pictures no one at home will really understand, getting dumped by your girlfriend, and saving the world while you’re at it. Then you come home, find a new girlfriend, engage in a week, and get married in 3 months. If you’re not popping out children in exactly 9 months, it’s only because the baby is late and all is well. You raise eleven children, juggle your calling, your job, and your weekly FHE lesson, while making sure to remain humble to the fact that you are living the best life anyone could possibly imagine.

Of course, this isn’t all true; some people have ten children, heh! But, in all seriousness, what I’m getting at is that so many people think it is true! They think that this is exactly what is supposed to happen and get extremely bummed out when it doesn’t.

Prime example, in the Church, there is a lot of pressure to get married. As soon as you’re back from your mission, you had better already have your future college, your future job, your future home, and your future bride all planned out. And, what’s more, you should have them all in about a year. Unfortunately, some people don’t get married right away.

I can almost hear their mothers saying, “But that’s no problem! You’re sure to be married next year. No? Maybe three? Well, good heavens! Let’s not wait too long! Time isn’t exactly being kind to you, ya know.”

Some people go on to school or get a job, hoping that they’ll find that special someone on the way. And some do. Some, however, don’t. Some people don’t think marriage is possible for them at all. And for a certain few, it may not be. There are those who, through no fault of their own, will never find a spouse in this lifetime. It’s sad to think of, but I’m sure it happens all the time. But what’s worse than them being alone? Them being blamed for it.

Before I get to ranting, I’d like to explain that, while the Church is perfect and true, the people aren’t. It’s life. People stink sometimes. Most of the time, they’re kind and courteous. But sometimes, when no one is really paying attention, members begin to create their own standards and live their lives by them. The problem comes when they try living other people’s lives by them too. This alternative standard is called Mormon Culture.

Mormon Culture makes you feel bad when you left on your mission at age 20 instead of 19. Mormon Culture makes you feel guilty when you aren’t married by the age of 26 (which is actually pushing it). Mormon Culture doesn’t mind quick engagements. In fact, they promote them! “Any wedding that takes longer to create than it would a baby is just too long!” This isn’t a standard of the Church. This is a standard of the people that attend it, and it sucks.

Let’s be honest. Marriage is a good thing. I know that. I’m not raining on the whole notion of families or even on getting your life in order by an early age. I’m really not! But this Mormon Culture doesn’t recognize the possibility that people are different. It doesn’t take in consideration that problems arise or exist that might hinder a person’s plans. They say, "Everyone should get married. Everyone should have children. And there are absolutely no exceptions."

There is a special program in the Church called the YSA (the young single adults). Now, for all of you who are like, “Is that like the YMCA?” No. It’s basically Church where the whole congregation is made up of young single adults, just like the name suggests, but with an added emphasis on the “single” part. What is really great about the program is that young adults learn how to take on callings that they wouldn't likely obtain otherwise, leadership callings for example. And, in an age where more people are comfortable texting over having an actual face to face conversation, this environment is perfect for helping them work on their people skills.

Unfortunately, not everyone likes going to a YSA ward, or in my case branch. They feel that its soul purpose is to serve as a dating service, and they’re uncomfortable with being an entrée on someone’s menu. I’m not going to argue with semantics but their debate is a very nearsighted one. Regardless, there are a few things different about YSA wards than with your average family ward. The most obvious is that, besides the bishopric, there aren’t a whole lot of old people. For that matter, there aren’t any babies crying in sacrament meeting. This is because there is an age “limit” for when someone can join the YSA ward, and an age appointed for when they are “recommended” to leave. I put these words in quotations because the Church would never disallow people to attend, no matter how old or young they may be. Those ages are flexible guidelines to ensure the best experience for each member.

But even so, Mormon Culture now has a “measuring stick” to give us the cut off date of a person’s datable existence (which is age 30, by the way). At age 30, you are banished from the YSA ward, deemed unworthy for marriage, and must live your life contently with a lowly calling, a lowly income, and acne for the rest of your life! I’m not sure why I added in acne, but it sounded just as ridiculous as everything else.

The truth is that this is all bogus. Do you really think Heavenly Father is up there thinking, “Hurry it up, kid or there won’t be any cake by the time you get to the dessert table.” No way! God understands the situation better than we do. And that is my point. Even though Mormon Culture says that if you don’t marry by 26, let alone the horrific age of 30, you’re doomed to be single all your life; the gospel says otherwise. In fact, there is no age given by which a person should be married by nor when they can no longer be given in marriage.

So where do we get this from? Mormon Culture, that’s where. It’s like peer pressure for older people. It’s the same peer pressure that makes people’s heads swell when they get a “cool” calling, or makes them slump in their chairs when they have it taken away. It’s all about how they look in the eyes of their peers.

Okay, so what does this have to do with me? Well, isn’t it obvious? Last time I checked, I’m gay. And this pretty much equates to No Marriage Ever.

“So? What’s wrong with that?”

I’m glad you asked. As I hinted before, the only thing worse than being single the rest of your life, is being blamed for it. No one would ever admit to doing this, but Mormon Culture not only dictates when a person should be married by, but it also says that failure to produce the desired results in the desired timeline is the fault of that individual. That’s right! Not only does it suck because I’m supposed to be married (a post for a later time), but if I don’t get married, something must be wrong with me! I mean, I guess there sort of is, but that’s not for them to decide!

Okay, okay. Reality check. Does every Mormon subscribe to Mormon Culture? No. Do even the majority of them? It’d be judging of me to even guess. But the point is, it exists. Second reality check. Who promotes Mormon Culture? Just like any kind of peer pressure, the people who promote it are really the people who are being hounded by it. Let’s face it, if I didn’t let it bother me, would there be any pressure? No.

“So, what’s the big deal, Michael? Just stop caring about public opinion!”

Okay, Mister I’ve-got-to-have-the-coolest-car/clothes/house/job/spouse/children/anything else I can possibly end this sentence with! You give up your false sense of priorities and I’ll give up mine! It isn’t that simple. And, for me, who has always been trying to live a life of blending in, this presents an extremely difficult challenge. As you might guess, I view my chances of getting married as being a little… nonexistant. (But like I said before, that’s a post for a later time.)

The point is that when you’re trying to keep up hope, public opinion can really get you down. Do I hope to get married one day? Sure. Do I hope to have a family? Absolutely. Do I hope to be completely normal? Doesn’t everybody? But, again, hope is a fragile thing when compared with the status quo. And things like Mormon Culture make it even more fragile. Returning to the previous post about committing suicide… Do I know why that kid did what he did? No. It could have been a lot of things. He was happy, according to the people the news interviewed. He was popular, captain of the football team. So what happened? Why did he choose to end his life?

It would be unfair for me to blame this on Mormon Culture or even the high standards that people create for themselves. So I can only answer with my own reasons. Sometimes, there are pains that you go through that you never really let go of. Sometimes those pains can grow until they dominate your very existence, making it very difficult to find happiness in anything. Sometimes the idea of going to people for help doesn’t seem like it will help. Maybe those people won’t understand my issues. Maybe they’ll blame me for them. Maybe it’ll just cause more pain and suffering. And maybe, just maybe, it would all be better if the burden was lifted. Since there isn’t any obvious way to terminate the virus without terminating the host, the new focus is set. And once that thought has entered onto the battle field, it is pretty darn hard to brush it aside.

But I guess, when it comes right down to it, that all depends on which spirit you are listening to more. I’ll admit, when I’m feeling glum, I tend to listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, and generally do things that promote those negative feelings. In short, I’m becoming a more receptive tool of the devil, listening to his lies, and agreeing with his opinions. But the problem is, his opinions are miserable. And, as we all know, misery loves company.

But you know who else loves company? The Holy Spirit. And He also uses whispers in order to speak with God’s children. If I’m drowning out those whispers with my "cries of lamentation" then I won’t hear His soft voice telling me of all the things I have to be grateful for. And when you really think about it, the quickest way to disband despair is to be grateful. There are few things in this life that can compare with the joy you’ll receive when you honestly look at your life and list off all of the blessings you have. They could be big or they could be small. They could be obvious or they might be subtle. But everyone has at least one thing to be grateful for, one thing that they can be happy about. And that, my friends, is reason enough to keep on going.