Phew! Okay, so that was in no means “a little ride down memory lane.” It was more like the time when my family (accompanied by a puppy with motion sickness) decided to drive all the way from Tacoma, Washington to Palmdale, California in two excruciatingly long rides. But, as you recall, I wanted to lay down some history so that you could understand the whole reason I have decided to write this blog.
Now, within the LDS Church, I do not think the number of gay men is very high. And I would guess that the number of gay men who are active members in the Church is even lower. In my experience, I have only met three guys who were open about their same gender attraction. They were all living life much as I had prior to joining the Church. It made me sad because I couldn’t talk to them about my struggles without them trying to tell me that I should just live my life and forget all about the standards I had so recently developed.
To be clear, I am not trying to say that those people are somehow less than I am. I’ve been where they are. I can understand the appeal of it and how addictive that kind of life can be. But I also know how destructive it can be and since I had already wasted a large chunk of my life to that, and having had such a strong testimony of the truthfulness of the Church, I could not consciously deny those experiences. In all honesty, I have not always been the most diligent Mormon you could meet. I’ve gone through rough spots where going to Church felt repugnant and I wanted to rebel. But even then, deep down, I knew I was wrong.
I have been very lucky since I joined the Church. I’ve had amazing support from my friends and family no matter where I’ve lived and no matter what I was going through. But even so, I’ve always felt like I have been on my own in this struggle with same gender attraction. Oh, and in case you thought, as I had, that after I was baptized I wouldn’t be gay any longer, think again. I was hugely disappointed when I stepped out of the baptismal font and still thought that Elder Arlington was gorgeous. And, as I have said, I didn’t know any people in my same position who were still active members. I felt, and in some ways I continue to feel as though I am searching for an answer that no one has.
Which brings me back to the purpose of this blog. I’ve told my closest friends of my struggles and we have both searched for books that I might identify with. And after extensive searching, we’ve come up with very little. On more than one occasion, I’ve had friends come up to me and say something like, “Michael, you know how you are always in search for that book that will help you with your struggles?”
And I say, “Yes,” hoping they’ve found it.
But each time they say something to the effect of, “I had the feeling that you should write that book.”
For a while, I rejected that idea. I’m the only looking! What good could it do me to write down my own story, my own problems, my own lack of understand? I don't have the answers! But long after my friends have left, I can still hear them saying, “You should write that book, Michael.” And this is that book…
In this blog that I am calling The Liberty Crusades, I plan on talking a lot about my past experiences, current challenges, and what I am doing in my life to counter the struggles I face. I don’t have all of the answers, and I admit that I sometimes approach problems from the wrong viewpoint, but I hope that through this blog, I can grow and help others to grow as well.
Seeing as I am wrong a lot, I would appreciate any commentary or corrections that you might have to offer me. Feedback is always welcome, so long as it isn’t profane, of course. Also, I don’t pretend to be the world’s best writer. I make a lot of errors with grammar and spelling. I try to reread all of my work before submitting it, but sometimes I miss stuff. If that bothers you, send me a message telling me where I messed up and I’ll fix it. Or at least I’ll try.
And with that, I give you The Liberty Crusades…
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