Why Trust Is So Foreign, Part Two...

-Instance 2-

About the same time that I began being addicted to online pornography, a girl moved to town. (It speaks volumes about the size of our town that I could even notice when someone shows up who I don’t recognize.) But right away, I knew that I didn’t care much for this girl. She was simple and nothing impressive, in my thrill seeking and youthful opinion. But then one day I got into a fight at school and the only person who tried to comfort me was this girl. Lisa Brine. In an instant, she was my new best friend. We were inseparable, always getting into some kind of mischief together. Hanging out and a bunch of other tomfoolery.

Three years into the friendship, Lisa and I were at a party and I overheard her refer to me as her boyfriend. ‘Boyfriend?’ I thought. ‘Since when?’ But knowing that I couldn’t very well ask her how long we’d been going out, I subtly got her to tell me that our “relationship” had been going on for three years, almost from the time we had met. Right away, that set off all kinds of alarms in my head. I mean, for starters, I'm gay. Yeah, good luck there, Lisa. And I started thinking of all kinds of ways to get myself out of that relationship that I wasn’t even aware that I was in! I knew that Lisa was an emotional girl, fragile and self-conscious, and it was probably these feelings of insecurity that led her to believe that there was more to our friendship than there really was.

While I was trying to slowly back my way out of this new relationship, Lisa began to display some new manipulative tendencies. I say new, but she had actually been doing them from the beginning of our relationship, and I had only become more aware of them from that moment on. She’d do all kinds of things to mess with my mind. For instance, she’d lie just to see what my reaction would be. She’d set up situations where I’d have to pick her over something I really enjoyed. She’d demand physical attention. She’d tell my other friends that I didn’t like them anymore just to keep me to herself. She’d create drama so that I would comfort her. And all the while, I was trying to get more and more distance in between us. Perhaps she could sense it, and that’s why she was intensifying her efforts of controlling me, kind of sinking in the claw when the prey was trying to wiggle away. But whatever the case may be, it took me a little too long to grow wise to the fact that Lisa had some serious issues. Bigger than mine, even! And that’s saying something.

It got so bad that, towards the end of the relationship, I was pretty sure she would kill herself if I broke up with her. She had grown so dependant on me, so attached, that I was afraid for both our sakes what would happen if we would separate. So, it took me a long time to work up the nerve to sever the relationship. We were together, in total, for five dramatic years.

From that relationship, I learned a lot of bad habits. First and foremost was my utter distrust in people. People were manipulative, possessive, and would do anything to make themselves happy. I already distrusted my parents somewhat, but now I was beginning to think that I couldn’t trust anyone. Perhaps this was just how the world was and if I was going to get through life, I’d have to either become a manipulator as well or I was going to have to develop some seriously thick skin.

The second habit I acquired was distancing myself from friends. Even today, I can make friends easily. Keeping them is another problem. I push them away (sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously) in an effort to avoid having someone dependant on me or me dependant towards them. I never want a repeat of Lisa Brine. Ever. And I don't care what I have to do to make that happen. (Did I mention that it was a bad habit?)

As a result of pushing people away from me, I have kept people at a distance that could generously be described as comfortable and convenient. On the one hand, I don’t have to worry about any serious feelings being formed, good or bad, because I’m not investing enough of… whatever into the relationship that would make me get worked up or overly excited. It means that I can be friendly without being dependable, kind without being trusting. Inevitably, this doesn’t always work. I've crossed the line many a time and befriended people too much. It's as if I have momentarily forgotten my trust issues. Unfortunatley, that is an issue that isn't forgotten for long.

The last habit I’ll mention is that I’m always looking, always keenly alert for any flaw that my friends might have. It isn’t that I have high standards that I hold everyone up to, not really. It’s more like, I’m waiting to see if this person is going to hurt me. With Lisa, I got very adept at spotting a trap, or a lie, before she actually sprang it. So, in other relationships, I spot things that would appear "trap-like" and I gingerly step around them. Do I seriously think that everyone is out to get me? No, but eventually, it gets tiring always side-stepping obstacles (real or otherwise) and so I'd rather just pick up my tent and camp somewhere else where there aren't as many stones. I’ve become so overly critical of the people in my life that it almost isn’t enough to spot problems they might have, but I am almost searching for them. And once I find one that just rubs me the wrong way, I drop them like a rock.

Of course, there are a number of reasons why this isn’t fair, not the least of which being that I have faults too. I’m not blind to my hypocrisy. But it wasn’t about fairness, it was about self-preservation. The instance with Lisa taught me that friends, especially women, were to be watched carefully. It was safer being on guard all the time rather than paying the consequences. The instance with my father taught me that family wasn’t all that different than anyone else.