Nature vs. Nurture, Part One...

I can’t even begin to count all of the times people have asked me exactly when I knew that I was gay, or what made me gay, or if I think people are born gay. They are all interesting questions and I’m pretty sure that the answers would vary depending on who was talking. I’m also sure that there are a lot of reasons that people could tell you why people are gay. I’ve heard a lot of explanations that cover anything from a distant father to heightened levels of adrenaline in the mother’s body while she was pregnant. So, in essence, it is the old debate of nature vs. nurture. The question is so prevalent that if you were to type ‘why are people gay’ into a Google search, you’d end up with more than 139,000,000 results. Of course, I didn’t have the time to check every single one of them to see how credible their answers were, but I got the impression that no one really knows for sure. Armed with this, I feel more comfortable in sharing my opinion.

Everyone in life is born with strengths and weaknesses. What those strengths are weaknesses are vary depending on the individual. But no matter how different every person is, we all have one thing in common and that is our ability to make decisions for ourselves. Of course, when we are young, we have very little control over our bodies, and our thoughts and feelings can hardly stand accountable for their actions. But as we grow older, most every person is in complete control of their actions and reactions.

Going back to strengths and weaknesses, a person can be born with a susceptibility to alcoholism. That doesn’t mean that they are born an alcoholic because they have yet to consume any liquor. What it means is that this person is more susceptible to becoming an alcoholic later on in life. But, people who weren’t even born with this susceptibility can still become alcoholics. Again, they have the right to choose their own paths.

I think that being attracted to those of the same sex is very similar. I was not born gay. People are not born gay, much in the same way that people are not born alcoholics. As I mentioned before with my experience with being molested, I knew what was happening to me was wrong, but after allowing it to happen to me over and over again, it became expected and almost anticipated. And later, when I was molested again by another person, it had become enjoyable. Soon it became the soul focus of my desire until I could think of nothing else. I was addicted. An addiction is an interest into a particular thing to which a lot of time is devoted.

I realize that this statement, that people aren’t born gay, is a hugely controversial topic and will inevitably result in negative criticism. I can not blame people who respond that way. If someone would have told me that I had a choice to be this way, I would have laughed at them. In fact, I did laugh at one person who suggested it to me years ago. “Why on Earth would I choose to be this way?” I had scoffed at them. “Do you think I wanted to go through high school being bullied because I was gay? Do you think I wouldn’t want to have a completely normal life?”

Of course, in today’s society, being gay is normal. It is the sign of intolerance and bigotry to suggest that homosexuality is anything less that normalcy, much less to suggest that it is a weakness no different than alcoholism. But before we get into the politics of it all, remember that I have been there. Once, in a conversation with a gay friend of mine, I asked him why we got so offended when people told us that being gay was a choice when, in all reality, we really wanted to believe them. We wanted to change. He told me that we were secretly ashamed.

“How so?” I asked him. I remember being offended. I didn’t like being told that I was ashamed.

“Well, you would have liked to have had a normal, straight life, right?”

“Of course.” Even at that age, I had gone through a lot of struggles with my family and friends, let alone all of the kids at school who found it popular to make it more difficult that it needed to be just to get through the day.

“Right, but if someone were to tell you that you had a choice, you’d spit in their eye, wouldn't you?” I didn’t need to agree with him. He knew it was true. “The reason why is because even though an overweight person is ashamed of their obesity, they still get defensive when people make mention of it. In our case, we are gay. We know we're gay. We have had it drilled into our minds that that is who we are and we don’t have a choice. We go from being ashamed of being gay and longing to be straight, to being accepting of the fact that we are gay and denying that we have the ability to be anything else. Got me so far?”

I thought I had.

“But,” he continued. “When people make mention of that choice to us, we become defensive.”

“Because they don’t have that right,” I told him defensively.

“Exactly. Who are they to tell us? They don’t know our struggles. They don’t know how much we’ve wished to be straight or how we’ve tried so hard to blend in with the straight community. So, we get defensive. We get angry. We forget that, not too long ago, we were once ashamed of being gay. Now we’re defending our positions. We’re almost proud of the fact that we’re gay.”

“You think I’m proud of being gay?”

“Maybe not you, Michael, but a lot of people are. But if you could get them alone and have a truthful conversation with them, the proudest, gayest guy in the world would flat out tell you that he’d be straight in a minute if he could.”

“Can we?” I was hopeful.

“I don’t know. I wish.”

And that’s about where the conversation ended. Neither of us could come up with an answer that didn’t involve strong drugs, electric shock therapy, or hypnosis, so we gave it up.

Ironically, I went on to lead that life that he unknowingly foretold I would lead. I became very proud, to the point of working at a gay bar five nights a week and engaging in all manner of wild behavior that was contrary to what I knew was right. I think, in a way, I began to disbelieve that I could ever be anything other than gay and what's worse is, I stopped caring. And, as such, there was no point in trying. And since there was no point trying, I might as well live as wildly as I wanted, giving no heed to change and embracing my addiction.

So, in conclusion, I’m not sure exactly when I knew that I was gay or what made me gay. I’m not even sure if those questions are relevant to who I am. But I do believe that people are not born gay. That’s my answer. It’s taken me a lot of hard times to arrive at that answer, but I’m grateful for the patience of so many people in my life who have helped me get there. I thank you.